i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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