I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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