i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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