I met the friendliest cop last night
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
