Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
