So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
