my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
