I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
