i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
