happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
