this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
