dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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