I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
