So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
