I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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