When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
