my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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