I haven't been this sober since birth.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
