All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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