I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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