you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
