Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
