Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
