Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
