i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
