just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
