Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
