How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I smell stomach acid.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
