Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
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