Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
