Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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