you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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