i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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