I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
