Got a toothbrush?
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
