I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
