I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
