His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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