I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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