Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
