I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
