I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
