Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
