I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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