I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
