Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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