She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
