So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Houston, we have a blender
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
