It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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