Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
