My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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