Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
