i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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