Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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