dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
