Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
