dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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