I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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