is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
